Toxic friendships are tricky. After all, the signs can be easy to miss, especially if you've known the person for a long time and cherish the idea of the friendship. It's also difficult to question the authenticity of a relationship, as it requires a lot of time and self-reflection.
And while all toxic friendships are different, there are some themes that commonly show up in these relationships. Ahead, discover five warning signs of a toxic friend, plus tips for how to handle both your emotional health and your relationship.
1. They're always gossiping.
"Gossiping is a red flag because there is nothing productive that comes from being a part of [it]," explains social worker Silvi Saxena, L.S.W., C.C.T.P., OSW-C, M.B.A. Plus, "if someone is gossiping to you, they are likely gossiping about you," she adds. If you don't want to engage with the gossip, be honest and say that you're not interested in chatting about other people, Saxena suggests. This will help set boundaries while communicating that you'd rather spend your time together doing something else.
2. They're always trying to change you.
"When one person in the friendship tries to change the other, it communicates a conditional acceptance," explains anxiety and relationship therapist Sara Weand, L.P.C. In other words, you're only accepted as a friend if you do certain things, which can be mentally and emotionally draining. In this scenario, tell your friend how their statements make you feel. If they truly care, they'll take your words to heart and try to be more considerate moving forward.
3. They're jealous of your other friends.
In a healthy friendship, each person accepts that the other has relationships outside of that friendship. However, if your friend is envious of other people in your life, consider it a red flag. This is toxic because it can strain your relationship with other people, and it will only worsen with time. Once again, it helps to be clear about your boundaries, especially if your friend attempts to make you feel guilty for having other relationships. Depending on the situation, "it could also be helpful to have all [your] friends meet," says Saxena, which may put your friend's mind at ease.
4. They always need you.
Although it's normal (and healthy) to ask others for help, persistent neediness is a warning sign. "This is an issue because it can deplete all your energy," explains Saxena. It also creates an imbalance in the friendship, she notes, with most of the weight falling into your lap. To improve this balance, refrain from letting yourself be available all the time, says Saxena. Make it clear that you have other responsibilities and commitments. If your friend continues to always expect you to be there for them, it might be time to reassesses the relationship.
5. They hold you responsible for their feelings.
It's natural for friendships to affect our mood. However, your feelings are yours to own, and the same can be said for other people and their emotions. If your friend holds you accountable for their feelings—both good and bad—it can be a problem, says Weand. This is toxic because it may prompt you to do (or not do) certain things just to appease the person, Weand explains. The result is an inauthentic relationship, along with a case for reassessing your friendship.
What Can You Do About a Toxic Friendship?
The first move is to talk it out, whether you want to make it better or break it off. "Talking to your friend provides an opportunity to process and clarify the problems surrounding the current relationship," explains Weand. It also lets you explore the potential avenues (e.g., sticking around or ending the friendship), which can help you determine the best personal choice for you.
If you're still unsure, Saxena suggests making a pros and cons list. She also recommends considering what you are getting out of the friendship, plus what you might need from it moving forward. "When deciding, be honest with yourself [about] what you want, need and are willing to do to make the friendship work," she adds.
It might be time to end the friendship if it feels like a one-sided effort, says Saxena. In this case, talking is still crucial, as it provides an opportunity for closure, adds Weand. While the conversation may feel uncomfortable, being vulnerable and transparent about both your hesitations and feelings can either create a stronger bond in an evolving friendship or be the proof you need that some people simply aren't meant to stay in our lives forever.
