When a friend or relative is struggling with mental health issues, your support can make all the difference. The only catch? You’re probably not a therapist, let alone a mental health professional. As such, it can be tricky to know what to say or do, especially in cases where you’re working through your own mental health issues.
The first thing to remember is that you won’t have all the answers—and that’s okay. In fact, you’re not supposed to know the perfect solution, and frankly, it’s unlikely that your loved one thinks you do. However, it is certainly possible to provide support and care, starting with these five tips.
1. Avoid doubting their feelings.
“We all have personal biases, [which] are part of being human,” says Julie Frischkorn, L.C.S.W., vice president of behavioral health at PeopleOne Health. Still, we have a responsibility—especially to those we love—to understand our biases and avoid projecting them onto others, she explains. This includes recognizing that we might make assumptions about someone’s feelings based on our experiences. Otherwise, such assumptions will negate the mental health experiences of the other person.
That being said, “if you’re ever unsure how someone feels, ask them,” recommends Frischkorn. “And when they tell you, don’t doubt them. Nothing is more beneficial to the process of trauma healing and recovery than for someone to be able to speak their truth.”
2. Avoid unsolicited advice, too.
Unless the person specifically asks for your advice, avoid giving your two cents. Instead, look to understand what might be most helpful for that person, suggests Frischkorn. This can be done by asking questions like, “How can I support you right now?” or “Is there anything you need from me?”. Sometimes just lending an ear is enough, while other times they may want an outside perspective, but leave it up to the person to speak up about their needs.
“Always approach someone from a place of genuine care and concern, rather than curiosity in their business,” Frischkorn says. And if they want to talk about something that’s not related to mental health? “Make sure you’re there to listen to that as well,” she adds.
3. Ask open-ended questions.
When you do ask questions, aim to keep them open-ended. According to Frischkorn, this style of questioning will allow the other person to lead the conversation while exploring their own perspective. At the same time, she says, it will support their sense of self-efficacy and their own voice, giving them the tools they need to learn how to trust themselves.
As Frischkorn notes, examples of open-ended questions include: “What would you like to focus on during this conversation?" or "Tell me a little more about xyz…".
4. Don’t diminish their issues.
When a person is struggling with mental health, it often feels like an all-consuming experience. Thus, it’s crucial to avoid saying things like, “It could be worse” or “At least you’re not…”. Such statements minimize the significance of their situations, and ultimately, invalidate what they’re feeling and thinking.
On that note, avoid assuming strategies that worked for you will work for them as well. This might be conveyed via statements like, “This is what I did, so you should do it too.". These assumptions can also diminish their struggles, as they disregard the super personal nature of mental health challenges.
5. Be fully present during the conversation.
Even if you follow every action on this list, it won’t have the intended effect if you are not present during the conversation. In other words, it’s best to limit distractions during your chat, such as multitasking, letting your eyes scan the room or scrolling mindlessly on your phone.
Frischkorn explains that when someone struggling with a mental health challenge decides to be vulnerable and share their experience, putting everything else aside is a form of care and respect. After all, more communication happens nonverbally than verbally, says Frischkorn—making it all that more important to be fully focused and engaged with your loved one.
When someone is struggling with mental health, your presence can be the calming one they need in the moment. If you recognize signs of distress or worry that the issue may become more serious, you can gently encourage that person to seek professional help. According to Mental Health First Aid, a public education program that teaches everyday individuals to recognize and respond to a mental health challenge, people are more likely to seek support if it's suggested by someone with whom they feel close. You can be the difference in the life of someone close to you by simply acknowledging that support is out there and recovery from a mental health condition is possible.
If you have more significant concerns about someone’s safety, you can take it upon yourself to seek immediate and confidential support regarding how to approach your loved one by calling the 988 Suicide and Crisis Hotline (at 988).
